Hello, hello! The last time I posted was in September, and I did not post anything last month. I always write that I should post more, but I always end up not posting so much. Actually, I need to write blogs as many times as I can, because I will be graduating next March, and will start working full time from next April, which means that I'll probably be busy. It's not that I'm not busy now, though. lol
So, first, let me talk briefly about the book I just finished reading today. I was reading Treatise on Tolerance by Voltaire. It was published in 1763, more than 250 years ago, but the book still offers many important issues that need to be discussed. Indeed, "tolerance" is a very hot topic for the world today. Yes, tolerance is important. We should not attack people for having a different view or opinion from ours; we should accept them, or overlook them, even though we don't necessarily like what they are saying. But that is not always easy, and as a result, there have been numerous cases of conflict, persecution, massacre, etc., throughout history.
But we cannot just end our discussion by concluding that tolerance is important, and that we all need to be kind and nice to all kinds of different opinions, and accept them. Do we have to accept ALL kinds of opinions and views? Ok, so now this person is planning to start a religion that justifies murder. Do we need to overlook this kind of religion? Or are we allowed to be intolerant when certain things happened? If so, how can we decide when to be tolerant, and when not to be tolerant?
Voltaire was quite optimistic about reason and rationality in people. He thought they would beat religious fanaticism and superstitions. He seems to be a quite liberal man, but even he makes discriminatory remarks in the book. Well, you cannot blame him altogether because of those remarks, though. It's because of the time when he was alive. It's not always easy to decide what is right, and what is wrong. Different ideas are preferred, or thought to be true in different periods of time, and in different places. I wonder what would Voltaire say about the world today, if he was still alive. There are still many cases of murder under the name of God. Will humans ever find an answer or solution on this issue?
Now, let me write about something else from here. I am writing about how studying saved my life, and made me feel much better. The world today is obsessed with being, and staying happy and positive. It's like the world is telling me I shouldn't be sad. You should be happy, and you should strive for happiness; you live to be happy. But I can't really find my space in that kind of atmosphere. I am not a happy person. I have struggled because of that; I am not how I am supposed to be. I have always thought, "Why can't I feel happy and positive like everyone else?" But now, I know that I don't have to feel like I have to feel in a certain way.
If you have read my other posts, you know my mother was very strict. When I was a child, she didn't allow her children to have long hair. You know, long hair requires longer time for blow-drying, and you need to arrange it into different hairstyles. School teachers will not allow you to participate in physical education classes with your hair down. Basically, if you have long hair, you will need to take care of it. On the other hand, if you have short hair, you don't have to worry about any of those things. So my mother preferred the latter choice. Moreover, my mother was the one who cut my and my sister's hair. She was not a hairdresser, so we couldn't expect her to give us a cool, sophisticated hairstyle.
Nowadays, having short hair is cool. There are so many famous people with short hair. But when I was in elementary school, most girls had long hair. Not everyone had long hair like mermaids, but at least their hair was long enough to be tied with hair ties. So just having short hair would stand out. When I was in the fifth grade of elementary school, I was bullied. I had just transferred to a new school that April, and the kids there weren't really welcoming. Like I said, my short hair made me stand out even more, and I wasn't born with a feminine face. Kids at that time thought all girls had long hair, and short hair was for boys. So, it didn't took long until they started to make fun of me by calling me a boy.
It would have been much better if I had loved my short hair. But I did not like my short hair; I never did. I had always wanted long hair. I had always wanted to feel my hair on my back. But my mother never let me grow my hair. I couldn't go against my mother. So, things were much tougher. I was bullied for something I didn't intend. Even so, I couldn't tell me mother that I had been bullied at school. I would thought that she would get mad, and scold me for being bullied, and for being weak. I would do anything to avoid being scolded by my mother, so at home, I just kept shutting my mouth about the bullies.
I also thought that if I had been pretty, they would not have bullied me. I was never confident about how I look, and I this incident made me think that I was indeed ugly. I was bullied because I was ugly. That's what I had been thinking. At that time, I avoided people's eyes. I was afraid of them. I thought every single person who looked at me would think that I was ugly. Even if they didn't tell me so, I thought their eyes said so. If people near me were talking, and laughing, I thought they were talking about how ugly I was, and laughing at me. I know that was not true now, but at that time, I just thought so.
There are so many things I want to say to my mother. But I don't think I will ever tell any of them to her. I don't trust her. For me, there is no trust relationship between us. So many people say that their moms are their best friends. But I don't have that kind of feeling towards my mother. She was always a parent, not a friend of mine. She was the one who dictated me. I don't think she was a good mother, nor she was good at being a mother. She has abused me, and my sister. For me, it is really hard to say that I appreciate my mother. Yes, she has been working hard to pay my bills. She prepared food so that I could eat everyday. Oh, not everyday, to be honest. She would sometimes punish me and my sister by not letting us eat. Anyways, I know she worked hard, and nobody is perfect. Nobody can be a perfect mom all the time. But that doesn't mean I should overlook, and even understand all those abusive attitudes and behaviors of her towards her children altogether, I think. She never said sorry for those behaviors. I think she never will.
People seem to love their families. I know not everyone does, but those kinds of posts don't really show up, do they? I feel like everyone is supposed to love their families, and be vocal about that. I don't like my parents. I love my sister, so I won't say that I hate my family, but I don't like my parents. Children cannot pick their parents, and I was no exception. And I feel sorry for myself.
They say that I should thank my parents. Kids should thank their parents, they say. If you can't, that means you are a bad kid. Parents do make mistakes; their humans after all, and humans do make mistakes. But kids will understand eventually. That's what they say. I disagree. I am not obligated to understand my mother. I don't like this whole atmosphere that society has. Wrong things are wrong. I don't understand, and accept her abusive behaviors. And that's not because I am a bad kid.
I am not a bad kid. It's just I wasn't born in a good family. I wan't born in a family, where parents would listen to their children, and allow them to act, and say things freely. They wouldn't make their kids feel that they shouldn't tell what they really feel because that would upset their parents, and they will get scolded.
Studying philosophy has helped me a lot. Philosophy doubts everything. Philosophy takes nothing for granted. Philosophy has taught me I don't have to think in a certain way. Philosophy has taught me that it's totally fine to doubt things that the majority of people seem to think to be undoubtable and undeniable. I don't have to think in a certain way, and I don't have to think that I'm wrong, or I'm a bad person, because I cannot feel the same way as other people do. I am not a happy person, when people are supposed to strive for happiness. I am the queen of negative feelings! lol
And it's not just philosophy. Studying will show you that things are not always clear-cut, and it can be really hard to decide what is true, and what is not, or which choice among different choices is the best. I have learned this by taking classes at school, and also by reading books. I also have learned critical thinking. Thanks to what I have learned, I feel much better about myself. Your physical environment around you can be very small, but reading and studying have taught me that the world is big and wide, and that so many ideas have been presented. You don't have to agree with the majority, and you don't have to feel sorry for yourself for not being a part of the majority.
So... thank you, thank you, thank you for reading this post. If you made it this far, wow, you are a patient reader! lol No, I mean you are an amazing reader! I hope to see you in my next post. Till next time!
