Feeling a Little Burnt-Out

Hey, it's been a while. More than a while actually.

The situation has changed a lot since I posted here. I don't work for the company where I worked as an English teacher anymore. I left the company in August. And I started working for another company from September.

Being an adult and being a student are very different. I had more time to read, more time to think, and more time to connect those thoughts. But being an adult is so busy. You need to be at a certain place five days a week. And you need to be there and work there for about 8 hours. There is no time to think about other things during that time.

You cannot be totally free after work either. You need to do household chores. You need to clean your rooms; you need to do laundries; you need to prepare dinner; you need to prepare lunch for tomorrow.

Even besides all those things, you have to get on commuter trains five days a week, which are so crowded and energy-draining. Being an adult, you have to think about what needs to be done tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. You need to be with people whom you don't necessarily like or feel connection with.

No, I don't want anyone to think that I don't like any aspect of being in an adulthood. No, that's not what I meant. Earning money and living my life off the money I've earned feels great. I have more money than I used to when I was a student. I can spend my money on experiences more, not just physical things. I don't have to hear my mother say, "Who supports your life? Who pays all the expenses? Who do you think it is?"

Being a student is also busy but the schedule could be more flexible. And to be honest, I wasn't a typical Japanese student. I didn't really spend my time on part-time jobs. I may be poor, but I wanted to spend more time reading and studying. I have always been a clumsy type, and I wasn't really good at managing multiple tasks at once.

Since time and energy is limited, you need to use them wisely. You cannot be perfect in every aspect. Since I started working for a new company, I managed to be punctual on weekdays. I brought my own lunch every weekday to work. I prepared dinner after work instead of going into convenience stores or restaurants. I went to the gym twice or three times a week. I studied English after work. I read books for thirty minutes before I go to bed.

For some people, these aren't achievements at all. But for me, they are. And after I've done all these things for one month, besides getting used to the new environment, I'm tired. Maybe trying to do everything so perfectly wasn't a good idea. Maybe I could have skip making dinner or lunch to have more time to relax or read. I may have spent more money if I had done so, but I may have been happier in that way.

I don't want to feel like I'm always chased by daily hustle. Perhaps it is a good time to examine my schedule besides the working hours and make more time to take care of myself.

Life Update + Mini Book Review on "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" by Mark Manson

Hi, to anyone who's reading this post! I hope you all are having a wonderful day! It's been so hot here in Japan! It's actually been so hot that media from overseas write about it in their articles! Anyways, these heat waves are not here to play, so please keep yourselves hydrated! Make sure you drink lots of water, and try not to spend too much time outside. Also, make sure people around you are keeping themselves hydrated as well!

So, about myself and my life... It's been pretty good. I've been procrastinating to come here and write something for the past 2 months, and I thought this procrastination must end! So I just sat down and started typing.

Yeah, overall, things are going well with me. I still love my job. I've got used to what I do now more than when I last posted something on this blog, which was in May. The more I learn, the more I know that I need to know more.

Oh, and I've sighed up for a gym this month. It's actually a boxing gym, but you don't get to punch people in their faces actually. It's not scary and violent at all. I don't know how it is called in English, but what I do is called "kurayami boxing" in Japanese. "Kurayami" means darkness in Japanese. So you basically punch a sandbag in the darkness. And it's not just that. While you work out, music (mostly EDM) is blasted in the training room. Yeah, you could say that it's like a club. The only difference is that people in the club will be drinking and dancing and twerking, but we, the kurayami boxers will be exercising while enjoying the music.

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to exercise regularly. And I actually did start working out. It feels good. I'm not a work-out fan, but with some darkness and music, I thought I would be able to enjoy working out. I went to their trial session last month, and I really enjoyed it. It was far from being easy, though. I was freaking tough, but totally worth it. I got muscle pain all over my body the next day, and for about a week since then, I had had difficulties going up and down the stairs at train stations, or making even more simple everyday movements, such as sitting up or standing up.

I wanted to sign up immediately and get the membership, but I couldn't because the gym was very popular. They told me to wait for a month and that I could start from August. And the month of August has just started, and I attended a session for the first time as an official member yesterday! This time, to my surprise, I didn't get muscle pain as much as I did last time. Maybe my muscle has got stronger. I'm not sure if it's true, though. Well, in fact, I don't think that muscle can get stronger that easily. Anyways, I've made a promise to myself that I would go to the gym at least twice a week! Hopefully, I will get a body like Victoria's Secret Angles someday! lol

Besides those things, I've started saving some money, which is also listed in my New Year's Resolutions list. I know it's going to take some years, but I will keep on doing this till I have enough money to go to a grad school. To cut up the costs and save more money, I try my best to prepare my own lunch to work so that I don't have to spend money to get lunch outside. I was worried at first about whether I can continue the habit of cooking at home and bring my own lunch, because I'm a lazy person by nature. But so far so good! I actually feel bad on days when I don't bring lunch for small reasons, such as waking up late.

Oh, and I don't necessarily have to mention this, but I broke up with my boyfriend. No no, no drama. No broken plates or screaming or anything. It's just we ended the relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. We're still friends and if we want to contact each other, we are always free to do so; we never have to hesitate. I'm not going to dig on how or why we separated, of course. But as a fact, I tell you that we just broke up and I am single now. I'm open to seeing new people, but I'm not in the mood of serious relationships as for now.

And lastly, yes, I've been reading books as I always do. Well, to be honest, this habit of mine kind of slowed down last month, but I'm pretty sure I never ended the day without reading even during that month.

One of the books I read recently is called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. It is a wonderful book that everyone needs to read! It was written by Mark Manson. To be honest, I had never heard of him before I picked up the book at a local bookstore, but he is a blogger and gives people life advice. If you're interested, you can click here to see his website.

I really love this book because it adopts the minimalist approach. You know, in the culture of more is better, minimalism is liberating. Mark says that people give way too many fucks, and that would basically tire us out. He tell us many times in his book that we need to be selective about what to give a fuck about. We need to give a fuck about something because otherwise, our life will be meaningless. We need to save fucks for things that really matters to us. And to do so, we need to choose the right kind of metrics measure ourselves. If your metric of happiness and success is how many followers you have and how many likes you get on Instagram, you never will be happy. Metrics that are based on external factors aren't good metrics. On the other hand, metrics that are based upon internal factors, such as being honest, are the good ones.

Also, Mark tell us that we need to know that being normal is totally fine. I dropped out from Twitter and Instagram because I felt like the world was screaming at me saying, "Look at me! Look at me! Look at how cool my life is! Look at how different I am!" I knew that what they post aren't the valid representation of their whole lives; people choose what they post on the Internet and what not to. But still, it was overwhelming, and I thought I wouldn't be able to have a healthy relationship with SNS. This book made me felt like it was telling me that I'm totally fine feeling this way. Recent culture tells us to be different and stand out. If you end up being different and standing out, that's just fine too. But you don't have to feel like your mediocre self and mediocre life is inferior to anyone's life.

And stop trying to be happy all the time, Mark teaches us. We should value suffering more. Without suffering, there is no learning. Important lessons are learned from suffering moments, not from happy moments.

I tried to lay out some essence from the book, but I'm bad at summarizing things. If you want to know what the book is about, the best way to do so is to go check out the book yourself, not reading my blog post. lol

Alright, I think I've written enough. Hope to see you in my next post. I don't know when it will come up, though. See ya!

Kamikaze Spirit, the Spirit That Prevails in Japanese Society

Hi, I hope you're all having a wonderful day! It's my day off today, so I thought it would be a good idea to come here and write something, since I haven't come here for more than a month. I always promise myself that I would blog more often and always end up lying to myself . lol

Well, I don't have a plan on what I'm going to write here today. I guess this is not surprising at all! I just wanted to write like a life update kind of thing today. As some of you may already know, I moved to Kanagawa from Kyoto in March, and started working in Tokyo from last month. I work as an personal trainer for English. Basically, I teach English to adults for living. I've worked as an English personal trainer for just a month, but I'm already sure to say that I love my job! I love using English myself, and teaching English allows me to use English everyday. Also, I think I am lucky because I can feel that I am helping people by helping them improve their English skills as my job.

Not all people love their jobs, unfortunately. And even if they love their jobs, not all people can work in a good condition. I don't know much about working conditions in other parts of the world, but in Japan, there are more than a few companies that force their employees to work overtime but don't pay what they deserve. We call that kind of companies "black companies". Sadly, some people work for such companies until they decide to take their own lives.

Have you heard of the term, "karoshi"? It literally means death by overwork. This really happens in Japan. Does this happen in other countries as well? I want to know. You may wonder why some people work so much. So much that their physical and mental health get affected. I think the reason lies in the Japanese culture. A culture that praises the "kamikaze spirit". I need to be clear here that I am not dissing young men who lost their lives. I am dissing the order or the Japanese way of fighting during that time that make them go even though they had no chance. It has been getting better over time, but the culture that values quantity over quality still lies deeply in Japanese people.

When I was in elementary school, they would always hold a marathon competition every winter, like many other elementary schools in Japan. One day, my class teacher told the class that we should all participate in a voluntary training every morning before class until the marathon event. He distributed a card to the class, and the card worked like this: if you run round the school yard one time, you can paint a little section in the card; if you run round the school yard two times, you can paint two sections in the card; and if you run round three times, you know how many sections you can paint by now. And it goes on and on. So the more you run, the more sections in your card will be painted.

I was good at running when I was younger. So I thought, "I didn't need much practice for the marathon event." And moreover, the teacher told us it was "voluntary practice" in the first place. I said to myself, "I don't have to feel obligated to go to school a bit early every morning to run round the school yard." So I didn't show up to the voluntary training. But after a week or so (I don't even remember how long it took before I was called in, to be honest...), the teacher scolded me. He asked me why I had not participated in the training, and told me I had to show up. He told me he didn't see my motivation, and that I needed to work hard like other kids. "Why aren't you participating in the voluntary training like your classmates? Everybody's working hard for the marathon event." He even made me write a statement of apology and regret for not participating in the training.

To be honest, I had nothing to be sorry for. The teacher told everyone in the class that it was a "voluntary" training. Does he know the meaning of the word, "voluntary"? I had the full right of not showing up because, you know, it's really self-explanatory; it was voluntary, which means that it was optional! If you want to do it, you are free to run round the school yard every morning; if you don't, you are also free not to come. I had no reason to be scolded. But I was scolded nevertheless.

That was the time when I learned what Japanese society is like. And Japanese people educated this way from their early days. The kid who painted the most sections in the marathon card is the greatest. The kid who doesn't have a lot of sections painted in the card but ends up getting a better records than the others, and thinks that he/she wants to spend that precious morning time before class doing other things are hated by the authority.

This is the same in many workplaces in Japan, I guess. The one who stays late is greater, thus the one who works harder, even though that's not a productive way of working necessarily. The one who tries to work productively during his/her regular working hours, and leaves the office on time will be turned a cold shoulder, like he/she is being lazy and not putting enough effort.

The kid who wrote the same kanji a hundred times on his/her notebook is greater and deserve to be praised, even if you can learn and remember that kanji by practicing writing it ten times. If ten times is enough for you to learn that kanji, don't you think having to write it ninety times more is a waste of time? This is kamikaze spirit. "They know how to fall asleep. What they need to know and learn is how not to fall asleep when they are sleepy." Something like this was written in the book called "The Chrysanthemum and the Sword" by Ruth Benedict. She said that this is how Japanese soldiers are trained. Instead of instructing them getting enough sleep and nutrition is a productive way of preparing for battles, they told this. We cannot say that everything she wrote in that book is true, since the research she conducted to write the book was not sufficient. But the spirit itself tells the truth about our culture. And we need to change that. It has been changing slowly over time, but the change is not enough.

Oh, so this is not really a post of my life update after all. lol Luckily, I am not working for a black company. I'm working for a complete white company in that sense. But our society need to change so that all people in our society can say that working in a white company is just normal. Parents shouldn't be worried about whether their children work in a black company or not. Young people shouldn't be telling their friends and families that luckily, the company that they started working for is not black. The society that bears these kinds of conversations is wrong. We need to wake those people (those who value kamikaze spirit) up. Guys, it's 2018.

Thanks for reading this post! I'm sorry if there's any typos and grammatical errors. English is not my first language, and I don't review my work before publishing it to the whole world. So... I hope to see you in my next post! Bye :)

Are You a Good Listener?

Hey guys! I hope you are all doing well. Currently, we are right in the middle of the allergy season, and I've been suffering from runny nose and sneezing for the past month or so. But other than that, I'm in a good condition.

Lately, I've become keenly aware of how important communication is. When a communication breakdown happens, we tend to think that the other person is mean or dumb. But if you look closely, that is not the case. Communication breakdowns happen because you and the other person are using different kinds of logic regarding communicating. Most of the times, we don't explicitly say what we mean. When you say, "Hmm, it's hot in here," you actually mean, "So can you open the window so that the cooler air outside can come in?" Or, it could be that you want the other person to turn on the AC for you, depending on the situation you are in.

Communication breakdowns happen when the other person didn't get your intention or interpreted your intention in a wrong way, or when you didn't get the other person's intention or interpreted that person's intention wrong. Let's use the window example again. You said, "Hmm, it's hot in here," to show politeness; you didn't want to look like you are making an order to that person. You show politeness by avoiding saying things in direct ways. But it is never guaranteed that the other person will always get your intention and appreciate it. He/She might think, "Ugh, why don't you just say things clearly, and ask me to open the window, instead of dropping 'hints'?" In this case, the other person did not get your intention, which is the sign of being polite, and would rather think of you as a disagreeable person.

If you can notice and point out what is going wrong like this all the time, life would be much easier. But in reality, emotions come first, and we often fail to analyze and assess the communication breakdown we just experienced. And we are quick to conclude that the other person didn't get our intention because that person was being mean or stupid, and so that it's hard to get along with him/her.

Let me give you a real-life example here. This is a communication breakdown that I have been experiencing over and over again recently. My mother loves to give out advice, even when nobody asks. She just randomly shows up in front of me and starts preaching. What kind of advice? Well, those are just small ones. Most of them are related to housekeeping, such as how to keep things clean and last long, or how to better store foods, etc. You know, she's a mom, and moms know a lot of things about housekeeping. So yeah, maybe I should appreciate all those advice she has given me, and say, "Thank you," each time.

But here's a problem. She comes up and starts "educating" whenever she wants to, not when I am ready or willing to listen to her. Alright, so let's say that you are in your room alone, and reading a book. The book is really interesting, and you are really focusing on it. Now, do you want your mom to show up at your door and starts talking without asking if it's okay for you to have a conversation with her?

For her, her daughters (= me and my younger sister) are projections of herself in a way, and I guess that she thinks of her kids to be subordinates to her. And I guess that's way she has never thought that her action is impolite and that's bugging me. She thinks she's being kind and generous to give out those advice to me, and doesn't see any reason that I should be annoyed by her. Her advice/knowledge itself is actually useful, but sadly, there are times when I cannot be thankful to her.

So what can we say about this? Well, the first lesson we can get from this narrative is: do not try to give advice when nobody asks you to. The second lesson is that not only what you say, but also how you say it and when you say it are also very important. And lastly, know that the other person will not always get what you intended or what you meant. We should be aware that there is always a chance of communication breakdown, even with the ones we consider to be very close. So we should keep our minds open and engage in active listening. We should try to pay attention not just to what other person is saying, but also to his/her body language, intention, and feelings. Be a good listener.

Thank you so much for reading this post! I hope you all have a wonderful day! See you in my next post :) Bye!

Pulling Myself Together by Writing!

Hi! It's feels so good to be back here. I really needed some time to sit down and write. Last month was a really busy one. It was towards the end of the fall semester, which means that I had to go through finals exams. And more importantly, I had to finish off my graduation thesis! I put so much effort into that thesis, and I was so proud of myself when I completed it and went into the school office to submit it. All of the exams went relatively well, I think. Well, I didn't have to take that many exams to begin with, though. Oh, but I had to write about 4 papers. *sigh* I actually miss studying now that I've gone through all the exams and papers I needed to complete before I graduate. 4 years went so fast! I don't want to think that I will be graduating from collage next month! I have always loved my student life, and I know that I'll miss it from April. Yeah, of course, I'm excited for the next chapter of my life, but I feel sad that I'll no longer be a student.

Oh, one more thing to mention is that I turned 25 last month! My boyfriend and I visited Hello Kitty Cafe on my birthday, and we had so much fun there. I ordered a slice of apple pie and a cup of latte. The apple pie was decorated with a Hello-Kitty-shaped marshmallow! It was too cute to eat, but I ate it anyway. lol After having fun at the cafe, we went shopping. We ended up getting some small bottles of plum liqueur. If you are from outside of Japan, and if you are not familiar with plum liqueur or plum wine, which is called "umeshu" in Japanese, you may not know what umeshu is. I was in California 2 years ago, but I don't think I saw umeshu there. I'm pretty sure that you can find umeshu at Asian or Japanese markets, though. Many people know some famous/major Japanese beer companies such as Asahi, and many people know sake. I don't understand why umeshu is not so well-known there because it's so delicious! I don't know how to explain umeshu in English (lol), so let's call in Professor Wikipedia: "Umeshu is a Japanese liqueur made by steeping ume fruits (while still unripe and green) in alcohol (shochu) and sugar. It has a sweet, sour taste, and an alcohol content of 10-15 %." Ah, this explains it well! You can drink it on the rocks, or you can mix it with some water, hot water, or carbonated water to make cocktails. I always prefer to have umeshu on the rocks. Yeah, that's my favorite way of enjoying it. We (my boyfriend and I) both love umeshu a lot, so it didn't take long till we emptied all the bottles we purchased... lol

So that was a few highlights from last month. Now this month is a really stressful one. ...And a busy one as well. Currently, I live in Kyoto, but I'll start working in Tokyo from April, which means that I need to move. As everybody knows, moving takes a lot of time and working. You need to arrange different things, right? I've been feeling a lot of stress this month. Last week, I went to Kanagawa to find my new apartment. I didn't even try to find one in Tokyo because it'll cost me a lot and I can't afford it. Luckily, I found a nice apartment, and I know I'll love that place! In addition, I got to spend some time with my sister and her boyfriend! It's always fun to go out with them, so that was a happy moment in this stressful situation I have been facing for the past 2 weeks. After saying goodbye to them and coming back to my parents' house where I'll be staying till the end of March, I went shopping with my parents to buy some necessary items such as home electronics and furniture. It's the busy season now for those kind of businesses, so everywhere we went was crowded.

Alright, so I've found a place to live and prepared necessary items. Now it's time to contact some moving companies, compare the prices they offer, and decide which company to work with. It's not that I don't like phone calls, but it's a bit tiring to talk with somebody I don't know at all over the phone. I think I'll pick a moving company tomorrow or day after tomorrow. After that, I'll eventually need to pack things up so that I can actually move, but I'll have some time before I leave the apartment in Kyoto (I'm planning to leave there on March 5th.), so there's no need to rush. Hopefully, I will be set free from all those stress of having to arrange things and feel better next week.

Although I've been pretty busy lately, I have never failed to find time to read! I have been taking a lot of trains to travel to a place to another, so I have lots of time for reading actually. Today, I finished reading Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov. I'm so glad that I could finish it before I graduate. Right now, so many feelings are going around my head, and I can't find a way to make them into words so other people can share my thoughts on the novel. But one things I can definitely say is that Dostoevsky is a pure genius, and the novel is a masterpiece. I wouldn't be able to write a novel that is equally amazing even if I were reborn 100 times. Now that I've finished The Brothers Karamazov, I am going to finish The Idiot, also from Dostoevsky. I've read the first 2 volumes of the entire novel, and I hate to give up reading a novel once I've started reading it. I've picked up the novel, so I am definitely going to finish it. I have already contacted the local library and reserved a copy. The library closest to my place didn't have a copy, but they said that they could order a copy from another branch, and put it aside for me. Can't wait to start reading the 3rd volume in a few days!

Ah, writing really purify my heart. I feel better than I was before I sat down to write this post. Oh, and I will have a descent amount of time alone tomorrow (Finally! Yay!), so I'm going to call my boyfriend. I haven't been able to see him since I left for my parents's house last Tuesday, and I miss him a lot! I hope having some time to talk with him lifts my spirits. Well, I'm sure it will!

Ok... I'll go now. I think I'm going to read a book which is not The Idiot by Dostoevsky, and go to bed. Thanks for reading, and I hope I'll see you in my next post :) Bye!

My New Year's Resolutions for 2018!

Hi, everyone! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I hope you all have a wonderful year this year. The first half of 2017 was a bit rough sometimes because of the job hunting, but besides that, I think I enjoyed the year 2017 a lot. This year will be a special one for me because I will be graduating from collage! I will finish all my courses by the end of this month, and the graduation ceremony will take place in March 22nd. Then, I will start working in Tokyo from April. Like every person getting ready for their new lives, I'm both excited and worried. If anyone's curious, I will be working as a English trainer. Why don't I just say English teacher instead? Well, because the company I'll be working for wouldn't like the term English teacher. My students will not be kids, but adults, and I felt that they consider the relationship between the clients (people who come to our studios be better at English) and us (the trainers) to be those who come to the gym to work out and their personal trainers, not students and their teachers. I hope this makes sense to you. lol Sometimes, I'm really bad at explaining things.

Alright. Well, the purpose of this post is not to talk about my work, actually. I just wanted to briefly (Just briefly!) talk about some goals that I have set for this year. New years, new resolutions! Looking back, I think I did a really good job. I got a job, read lots of books, studied Eastern philosophy (I took a Zen class, and learned about Zen and its history!), and thought and talked about confidence and self-esteem. If I just set my resolutions for this year and secretly keep them in my mind, I would probably forget about them and thereby fail to work on them. It's better to write them down so that I can always remind myself of all the resolutions that I have set. So, just as I did last year, I am going to write my New Year's Resolutions down here on my blog.

So here we go! My New Year's Resolutions for 2018!

1. Read a lot of books! I would probably be busier this year, but I'll try to make time to read everyday, even just for 15 minutes. 
2. Exercise regularly! I'll sign up for a gym once I've moved to Tokyo (or its surrounding areas) and settled in. I'll try to work out at least once a week. 
3. Study philosophy of religion (because that's what I am interested in lately). It's kind of connected to Resolution 1 because I would turn to books to study. But I've decided to write this one separately from Resolution 1 to make it stand out more. 
4. Keep a healthy relationship with work. I tend to feel like I need to be productive all the time and feel that I'm a lazy person when I'm not. Resting is also very important. Working hard is good, but I won't let my work undermine my well-being. Work hard and rest hard! 
5. Save some money! This year, I will be a full-time worker and be financially independent. It's always a good thing to train yourself to be better at managing your own finances. Plus, I have a dream that I want to make come true in the near future, and in order to make it really happen, I need money! 

...So that's all for today's post! I just wanted to list my goals. I usually write a lot, but not today! lol What is your goals for 2018? I would love to know! 

Let's Talk about Freedom of Speech!

Hi! It's been really cold lately, and I'm having a very difficult time getting up and getting out of my bed every morning. Does anyone know how to get out of the bed during winter? lol Because I really need to know. I spend like 30 minutes or even longer in my bed every morning after the alarm went off because it's so cold! I do turn on the AC but still, being in my bed is way more comfortable than getting up. I wish I were more punctual and organized. I'm a lazy person by nature. lol I know I should get out of my comfort zone to make a change, and it's never easy to make a change, but as I said, I am a lazy person, and I'm too lazy to get out of my comfort zone. Ok, that was a joke... I hope it really was a joke... lol But if you have any tip or hack on how to get up smoothly every morning during winter, please let me know.

Alright, so today, I would like to talk about free speech. I am talking about this because lately, I feel like this really basic human right is in danger. Ah, I already hear some oppositions claiming what I have just said is untrue. We do not live in a world where freedom of speech is explicitly oppressed, like the world of 1984 by George Orwell.  Freedom of speech is protected by law. We will not be imprisoned by criticizing our government, and if that happens in the worst case, people will blame the government, because that is just so wrong. Most people believe that having the right to express our thoughts freely is very important. Free speech is in danger? Nah, I don't believe that.

What I want to say in this post is that we need to stop and think. ...And doubt. Do we really live in a world where free speech is supported and encouraged? Don't we feel like more and more people are avoiding discussions lately? Don't we feel like there's this atmosphere of "preferred opinions"? And if you are brave enough to go against this preferred opinion, you will be slammed. People do not just oppose your opinion; they will dehumanize you. They will start to look at you like you are a savage, and a cruel person. They don't just deny our opinion; they will deny you, and start to doubt your humanity.

Now, let's talk about things that happened (relatively) lately. Donald Trump was inaugurated as the new President of the United States in January. It may seem weird to say the inauguration happened only lately, but you know what I mean, right? lol I mean that it happened this year, not like 100 or 1000 years ago. During the time when he was fighting against his opponent, Hilary Clinton, a considerable amount of information about him and what he had done in the past was heard. People say he is a sexist, and also a racist.

Now, there could many reasons to support a candidate over another one. Maybe you like Candidate A's political policies better than those of Candidate B. Or maybe you choose to vote for Candidate A, even though you don't particularly support Candidate A, because you do not like Candidate B at all, and you think it would be better if Candidate A could get the position. You don't have to be an enthusiastic supporter of Candidate A to vote for Candidate A.

More that often, choosing is very difficult. Sometimes, you have to choose one, even if you don't like either of the choice. Choosing a choice over another doesn't always mean that you just adore every little detail or aspect of the choice you picked. Sometimes you need to go through hard decisions. But what happened during and even after the election campaign is the discrimination against Trump supporters. You cannot say that all Trump supporters are both sexist and racist as he is, and therefore, you cannot blame those who voted for Trump by labeling them as racists and sexists. You cannot say that they chose Trump because they are essentially a bad person. I am not a supporter of President Trump, so I am not saying this to defend myself. I'm just trying to be fair.

When you start labeling people like that, there's no meaningful discussion. You can have different views and opinions. And it's not the matter of which is right and which is wrong. I have heard that some students had experienced being assaulted because of their political views. Treating those who do not share the same view as being evil should ever be allowed.

I came across a video last month when I was scrolling down Facebook. Here's the link of the video: http://www.bbc.com/news/av/education-41837205/brexit-supporting-students-getting-abuse-on-campus The debate over whether the Britain should stay in EU or not was also a very hot topic. And in universities, the preferred opinion was: the Britain should stay. But of course, they were people who thought that the Britain should leave. And basically, people didn't like that. In the video, some students who supported the Leave Campaign share their experience of how they are discriminated and assaulted on campus by other students. They were called out simply because they didn't support the preferred opinion. They were told stupid, dumb, racist, xenophobic, etc. Once people have found out that they were Brexiteers, the friendly conversation is over, and people will treat them as their enemy, and start to doubt their humanity.

Now, let's talk about Japan. There have been a discussion over whether to change the ninth article of the Constitution of Japan. Basically, in the current version, the ninth article declares that Japan will pursue peace and justice, and therefore, Japan will not participate in war, and will not hold military power. Well, in Japan, we don't have any military, but we have the Self-Defense Force. The Self-Defense Force is not supposed to take a part in combats, at least for now.

Lately, some people are claiming the article needs to be changed or modified. Looking at the international tension between North Korea and Japan (and other countries), Japan needs to be able to defend itself when things happened. The Constitution went into effect 70 years ago, which means that it is old, and it is reasonable to think that modifications should be considered or made once in a while. These are what people who support the idea of modifying the article generally say, I think.

And of course, there are people who do not want to make any change. We live in Japan, the peaceful country. We have established our country's identity as the country that pursues peace. If we make changes to the article, that identity will fall down. Some people might even go so far as to say that the thought of making modifications to the article itself is evil.

Me? My take on this issue is: we should consider making modifications. The Constitution is 70 years old, and it's about the time we start reviewing it to see if it needs some modifications or not. And I think we need to redefine the Self-Defense Force. I know. It's the Constitution, the greatest law of our country, and I know that we can't just change things up so easily. That makes it even more reasonable to discuss this matter closely. Plus, I feel like many Japanese people stick to the idea of the peaceful country, Japan, not the idea or the concept of peace itself. We, the nation of Japan does not possess any military power. But on behalf of us, the military of the United States is supposed to protect Japan in case of emergency. So it's totally fine for American troops to fight for Japan on behalf of us, while we just sit at home? I think not many Japanese people think about this, and that's why I said many Japanese people just stick to the idea of the peaceful country, Japan, not the idea of peace itself. Right now, North Korea is doing whatever it pleases. And all Japan can do is blame.

But unfortunately, I'm not on the preferred-opinion side. I'm on the "wrong" side. So many people are quick to conclude that people who suggest modification are those with a dangerous thought. They would say, "What?! So you support war?" NO. I never support war and violence. It's not just me; other people who support making modifications do not support war and violence either. All I want to say is that we need to redefine peace once more. Let's think about peace. What is peace? Yes, we have not had any war since the end of WWII. But is it enough? Do you like the idea of peace? Or do you simply care about the idea of the peaceful country, Japan, only? I am not saying that we should change the Constitution so that we can start a war tomorrow. I'm a peace seeker. I take peace seriously. That's why I say that we should think about peace. It may not be a comfortable topic for a conversation, but we need to talk about it. It's easy to avoid this conversation by saying, "You know what? I'm a peace seeker. Modifying the Constitution sounds too radical, so let's play it safe, and leave it as it is." For me, the unwillingness to review the article is a sign of willingness to avoid the uncomfortable, not important topic, peace.

Not many people are willing to talk about this controversial in the first place, and saying that I suggest modification takes a lot of courage, because I know this is not the preferred opinion, and I know people will judge me for my opinion. But freedom of speech is very important, and no one should never feel that they are somehow oppressed to feel in a certain way. It's easy to speak up when there's the atmosphere of valuing free speech. But right now, it's not. I feel the importance of thinking for myself, and expressing my idea openly even more nowadays, because not many people are willing to do so. Freedom of speech is under threat, people! People had fought, and shed blood to gain this right. Let's not ruin this.

Thank you for reading! English is not my first language, and there are so many things I want to say, but more that often, my poor English skills (and my poor writing skill also?) interfere with them! lol I hope one day, I will be able to express my thought freely in English as well as Japanese, and never have to feel this way! Alright, so until next time! Bye!

On Being the Queen of Negative Feelings!

Hello, hello! The last time I posted was in September, and I did not post anything last month. I always write that I should post more, but I always end up not posting so much. Actually, I need to write blogs as many times as I can, because I will be graduating next March, and will start working full time from next April, which means that I'll probably be busy. It's not that I'm not busy now, though. lol

So, first, let me talk briefly about the book I just finished reading today. I was reading Treatise on Tolerance by Voltaire. It was published in 1763, more than 250 years ago, but the book still offers many important issues that need to be discussed. Indeed, "tolerance" is a very hot topic for the world today. Yes, tolerance is important. We should not attack people for having a different view or opinion from ours; we should accept them, or overlook them, even though we don't necessarily like what they are saying. But that is not always easy, and as a result, there have been numerous cases of conflict, persecution, massacre, etc., throughout history.

But we cannot just end our discussion by concluding that tolerance is important, and that we all need to be kind and nice to all kinds of different opinions, and accept them. Do we have to accept ALL kinds of opinions and views? Ok, so now this person is planning to start a religion that justifies murder. Do we need to overlook this kind of religion? Or are we allowed to be intolerant when certain things happened? If so, how can we decide when to be tolerant, and when not to be tolerant?

Voltaire was quite optimistic about reason and rationality in people. He thought they would beat religious fanaticism and superstitions. He seems to be a quite liberal man, but even he makes discriminatory remarks in the book. Well, you cannot blame him altogether because of those remarks, though. It's because of the time when he was alive. It's not always easy to decide what is right, and what is wrong. Different ideas are preferred, or thought to be true in different periods of time, and in different places. I wonder what would Voltaire say about the world today, if he was still alive. There are still many cases of murder under the name of God. Will humans ever find an answer or solution on this issue?

Now, let me write about something else from here. I am writing about how studying saved my life, and made me feel much better. The world today is obsessed with being, and staying happy and positive. It's like the world is telling me I shouldn't be sad. You should be happy, and you should strive for happiness; you live to be happy. But I can't really find my space in that kind of atmosphere. I am not a happy person. I have struggled because of that; I am not how I am supposed to be. I have always thought, "Why can't I feel happy and positive like everyone else?" But now, I know that I don't have to feel like I have to feel in a certain way.

If you have read my other posts, you know my mother was very strict. When I was a child, she didn't allow her children to have long hair. You know, long hair requires longer time for blow-drying, and you need to arrange it into different hairstyles. School teachers will not allow you to participate in physical education classes with your hair down. Basically, if you have long hair, you will need to take care of it. On the other hand, if you have short hair, you don't have to worry about any of those things. So my mother preferred the latter choice. Moreover, my mother was the one who cut my and my sister's hair. She was not a hairdresser, so we couldn't expect her to give us a cool, sophisticated hairstyle.

Nowadays, having short hair is cool. There are so many famous people with short hair. But when I was in elementary school, most girls had long hair. Not everyone had long hair like mermaids, but at least their hair was long enough to be tied with hair ties. So just having short hair would stand out. When I was in the fifth grade of elementary school, I was bullied. I had just transferred to a new school that April, and the kids there weren't really welcoming. Like I said, my short hair made me stand out even more, and I wasn't born with a feminine face. Kids at that time thought all girls had long hair, and short hair was for boys. So, it didn't took long until they started to make fun of me by calling me a boy.

It would have been much better if I had loved my short hair. But I did not like my short hair; I never did. I had always wanted long hair. I had always wanted to feel my hair on my back. But my mother never let me grow my hair. I couldn't go against my mother. So, things were much tougher. I was bullied for something I didn't intend. Even so, I couldn't tell me mother that I had been bullied at school. I would thought that she would get mad, and scold me for being bullied, and for being weak. I would do anything to avoid being scolded by my mother, so at home, I just kept shutting my mouth about the bullies.

I also thought that if I had been pretty, they would not have bullied me. I was never confident about how I look, and I this incident made me think that I was indeed ugly. I was bullied because I was ugly. That's what I had been thinking. At that time, I avoided people's eyes. I was afraid of them. I thought every single person who looked at me would think that I was ugly. Even if they didn't tell me so, I thought their eyes said so. If people near me were talking, and laughing, I thought they were talking about how ugly I was, and laughing at me. I know that was not true now, but at that time, I just thought so.

There are so many things I want to say to my mother. But I don't think I will ever tell any of them to her. I don't trust her. For me, there is no trust relationship between us. So many people say that their moms are their best friends. But I don't have that kind of feeling towards my mother. She was always a parent, not a friend of mine. She was the one who dictated me. I don't think she was a good mother, nor she was good at being a mother. She has abused me, and my sister. For me, it is really hard to say that I appreciate my mother. Yes, she has been working hard to pay my bills. She prepared food so that I could eat everyday. Oh, not everyday, to be honest. She would sometimes punish me and my sister by not letting us eat. Anyways, I know she worked hard, and nobody is perfect. Nobody can be a perfect mom all the time. But that doesn't mean I should overlook, and even understand all those abusive attitudes and behaviors of her towards her children altogether, I think. She never said sorry for those behaviors. I think she never will.

People seem to love their families. I know not everyone does, but those kinds of posts don't really show up, do they? I feel like everyone is supposed to love their families, and be vocal about that. I don't like my parents. I love my sister, so I won't say that I hate my family, but I don't like my parents. Children cannot pick their parents, and I was no exception. And I feel sorry for myself.

They say that I should thank my parents. Kids should thank their parents, they say. If you can't, that means you are a bad kid. Parents do make mistakes; their humans after all, and humans do make mistakes. But kids will understand eventually. That's what they say. I disagree. I am not obligated to understand my mother. I don't like this whole atmosphere that society has. Wrong things are wrong. I don't understand, and accept her abusive behaviors. And that's not because I am a bad kid.

I am not a bad kid. It's just I wasn't born in a good family. I wan't born in a family, where parents would listen to their children, and allow them to act, and say things freely. They wouldn't make their kids feel that they shouldn't tell what they really feel because that would upset their parents, and they will get scolded.

Studying philosophy has helped me a lot. Philosophy doubts everything. Philosophy takes nothing for granted. Philosophy has taught me I don't have to think in a certain way. Philosophy has taught me that it's totally fine to doubt things that the majority of people seem to think to be undoubtable and undeniable. I don't have to think in a certain way, and I don't have to think that I'm wrong, or I'm a bad person, because I cannot feel the same way as other people do. I am not a happy person, when people are supposed to strive for happiness. I am the queen of negative feelings! lol

And it's not just philosophy. Studying will show you that things are not always clear-cut, and it can be really hard to decide what is true, and what is not, or which choice among different choices is the best. I have learned this by taking classes at school, and also by reading books. I also have learned critical thinking. Thanks to what I have learned, I feel much better about myself. Your physical environment around you can be very small, but reading and studying have taught me that the world is big and wide, and that so many ideas have been presented. You don't have to agree with the majority, and you don't have to feel sorry for yourself for not being a part of the majority.

So... thank you, thank you, thank you for reading this post. If you made it this far, wow, you are a patient reader! lol No, I mean you are an amazing reader! I hope to see you in my next post. Till next time!

A Step towards Body Positivity!

Hello, hello! It's been a month since I last posted! I thought I could post more during the summer vacation, but it turned out that was not the case! Like I said in the post, I have been working as a translator (I'm not a pro, though...), and since I am not good at balancing out multiple projects that are going on simultaneously, I have been focusing more on translating, rather that writing my own sentences...

Oh, and I really want to take a moment to say that my heart is with all the people who are and have been affected by the hurricane. People's lives and their safety always come first. Japan is a country that is frequently affected by natural disasters, and I know how hard they are. Japanese media also report about the hurricane everyday, and I get nervous and sad to see the news every time. Science and technology have developed so much, but human beings are still vulnerable when these kinds of natural disasters occur. Please be safe; safety always comes first! Evacuate if you need to, evacuate before you hesitate, and evacuate even before you think whether you need to evacuate or not.

So I think I am going to talk about body positivity today. Do you love your body? Are you satisfied with how your body looks? When you look at your body in the mirror, can you say, "I look beautiful!"? Well, if every single person could answer "Yes," to this questions, the whole "Love Your Body" movement and that sort of things do not make any sense. There are so many people, including me, out there who have insecurities about their own bodies.

I think the motto, "Love Your Body" is awesome. Yes, we all want to love our bodies, and be confident. And yes, it would be so great if we could all love our bodies, and encourage others to do the same. But the problem is: it simply is not that easy!

First, how do we love our bodies? Or what does it meant to love our bodies? How can we love our bodies when we know our bodies are not perfect? How can we love our bodies when we are surrounded by images of perfect bodies through media? Do we all have to look like fashion models? Would we be happy if we were tall enough, skinny enough, etc., like fashion models? There comes so many questions, and I'm sure you can add more to this list with ease.

Let me talk about my body from here. I have always been a skinny girl. I'm just naturally skinny. I try to eat healthy most of the times, although I do get lazy from time to time. I have never been on a strict diet, and I never had to in the first place. I have been told so many times throughout my life that I was skinny. "Wow, you're so skinny! Tell me your diet!" "I wish I were skinny like you!" "You're so skinny, I'm jealous!" So then, it's so easy to love my body, right? But the answer is, no.

How tall am I? I'm 156 cm, or 5'1", depending on where you live. And how heavy am I? I weigh 41.4 kg, or 91.2 lbs, again, depending on where you live. As I said, I have told that I was skinny, and I think many people (still) associate being skinny with goodness. So I must be happy all the time, right? No, unfortunately. Actually, there are many times, so many times that I think that I am not skinny enough, or I am not that skinny.

Living in Japan, there is this atmosphere that skinny is healthy, pretty, and good. I guess many people tend to think consciously or subconsciously that people who are not skinny ("fat" people) are also lazy; they don't take care of their bodies properly. So, in order to look healthy, attractive, and responsible, one needs to be skinny, or skinny enough, at least.

If you go watch Japanese television, you will see so many scenes where "fat" people are made fun of openly. I see that in the U.S., or maybe other parts of the world, the model/beauty industry has started to accept more diversity, although there is still a plenty of room for improvement. Ashley Graham is a very good example of such kind. She is a beautiful lady with a strong will. She has continued to speak up about body positivity and to make the definition of beauty more diverse. All the Japanese models are skinny; I don't see any improvement of that sort here in Japan. I mean, you can be the front cover of a big magazine in Japan, even if you are "not skinny," but not as a model, or a representation of beauty.

Also, in Japan, where people value modesty, you can't really be like, "Yeah, I am skinny!" When someone told you, "You're so skinny!" to give you a compliment (Remember? Skinny is good!), the most appropriate answer would be: "Oh, no! I'm not that skinny! You're skinny too!" or "No, you're skinnier!" It's like a ritual. Oh, let's not debate about how this ritual is ridiculous, and meaningless. I know this communication isn't creating or offering anything new when you think that communication is for exchanging information and getting something new. If you think in this way, you could argue that this type of ritual dialog is meaningless. But it's not. Every culture has rituals in how they are supposed to communicate with each other, and human being communicate not just to exchange information, but also to have a smooth social relationship.

Ok, that was quite an excursion. So, in this modesty context, you are not supposed to admit that you're skinny openly unless you have a 100% perfect body like models. Japanese girls say that they want to lose weight when they clearly do not need to. I think by say so, they are showing that they are not being a snob, presenting that they know they are not enough. And being on a diet is an act of working towards goodness and attractiveness, it should be praised. I think that is what is going on here.

I feel awkward and even sad when people come to me and say, "You're skinny! I'm jealous!" because that means people think skinny is solely beautiful. That is just an illusion that our society has created! I don't want girls to think they need to be skinny, or even skinnier than they are now, even though they are already perfectly beautiful and healthy. I always feel like, "Well, thank you for the compliment! But please don't say you want to be like me, cause you are already perfectly fine!" And it's sometimes hard even for me to admit that I'm skinny! Sometimes, I feel like I need to think that I need to be skinnier, or I am still fat, because of the pressure that society creates, and the pressure that I create for myself.

If you had a skinny body like me, you would never feel insecure about your body? Hell no! I do think I am fat sometimes, to be honest. And let me tell you my biggest insecurity about my body: boobs! I happen to have small breasts. I mean, my chest is literally flat like a little kid. And I have always wanted bigger boobs because I feel that bigger boobs are sexier and more feminine. I have been made fun of both openly and subtly because of these small breasts. A douchebag who cheated on me in the past has told me, "Now I'm dating with a girl with big boobs, now that I have an experience with small boobs (= me)." I think this is part of the reason why I tend to think that all men love bouncy boobs and not mine. I never wear clothes with a low neckline because I'm just not confident enough to show my chest area, and want to hide them. I get nervous when I wear bikinis, because I feel like people would look at my body, and be judgmental about my breasts. So I always choose a design that would hide my breasts entirely, rather than the one that shows the shape of my breasts. When I see girls with outfits that show their cleavages, I can't stop being jealous at them, because that's something I can never do.

I think it's too hard for people with insecurities about their bodies to totally love their bodies instantly. People say things like, "Oh, stop comparing!" But it's not that easy! We see lots of people everyday; it's not like each one of us lives in a cave from the day of birth till the day when we die, alone. I think what is important is that more and more people talk about their bodies. It's really important to know that every single person has some kinds of insecurities about their bodies, and that there is no such thing as pure perfection. If you can think and truly know that everybody has flaws, you can start to feel that you are not alone. And that will lead you to cherish your body despite of your flaws.

Thanks for reading if you made this far! I hope to see you again soon :) Bye!

What Have I Been up to Lately? Being a Bookworm!

Hello! I hope you all are having a great summer! Or winter, depending on where you live... So the summer vacation has begun! This one will be my last summer vacation I can have while I'm still a student, and I want to make it a good one, but so far, I haven't done anything summery this summer! Oh, I've had lots of beer, so maybe that counts as something summery. lol But I'm a true fan of beer, so I drink lots of beer even in winter! 

Anyways, stay safe and healthy, everyone! Drink lots of, lots of water, and stay hydrated! Drinking water is very important! My mom would always say that you have to drink water even before you feel you're thirsty. Feeling thirsty means that your body is already dehydrated, which is not a favorable thing to happen to your body. So you should make sure that you take in some water periodically, as well as when you're thirsty. 

And you that also applies when you are in an air-conditioned room. When you're outside, it's easy to remind yourself that you should drink lots of water, because it's hot outside, and you sweat a lot. But when you're in a comfortable, air-conditioned room, because of the comfortableness, it's easy to forget about keeping yourself hydrated. Actually, the air that air conditioners blows out is very dry, so it can make your body, and also skin dry. So, DRINK WATER! 

Lately, I've started to do something new: selling my English skills. No, that doesn't mean that I've been teaching English, if that was your guess. Actually, I've been working as an amateur translator! "Coconala" is the name of the app that I've been using, and you can use the app for both selling and buying skills. And there are many kinds of skills; it doesn't have to be just language skills. Some people sell their computer skills, and help people develop their webpages. Some people sell their skills to help people lose weight. Some people are good at graphic design, and create icons and logos for their customers. And of course, these skills aren't the only ones you can sell and buy. If you're interested, you should try the app! But I'm not sure if you can use or even download the app from overseas. If you live in Japan, you should be able to download and use the app, and if you live outside of Japan, you should check if you can use the app or not first. (Sorry!) 

As I've said, I'm selling my English skills, and since I started the app, I've got some customers who wanted their documents (e.g., contract, instruction, statement, thesis, etc.) written in English to be translated into Japanese, or vice versa. Translation is fun, but it can also be tough. When I'm reading English, I'm thinking with an English brain; when I'm reading Japanese, I'm thinking with a Japanese brain. This means that the ability to comprehend English sentences, and the ability to translate what I have understood in English into Japanese are distinct. If my task was just to read the document and understand the contents, it would me much easier and quicker, than having to translate it into another language. Translation takes a lot of time. But I'm not complaining. It's true that translation is very time-consuming, it can be hard sometimes, but overall, I like it. I am currently working on a long thesis (28 pages in total! ), and I won't take another order until I've finished it, but I'll start taking new orders from next month, so if you have any problems, go to my page at coconala! My name in coconala is: yesimyuki. 

I've been reading a lot of books this year, and here, I will list up some of the books I finished reading recently. 

• Poor Folk by Dostoevsky
• Brave New World by Aldous Huxley 
• The Loved One by Evelyn Waugh 
• Notes from Underground by Dostoevsky 

All of these aren't too long, so go pick of one, some, or even all of these at your local bookstore or library, if you're interested! 

"The Loved One" is the shortest one of the 4, and if you're looking for a good laugh (i.e., a sarcastic laugh! lol), that should be your first pick. The book was published in 1948, and the story is filled with irony on how America (at that time, from the view of the author) turns everything, like even funeral, into business, a man who is brilliant at work, but dominated by his mom at home where he lives with her, a poet who takes poems from books, and send them to the woman he likes as if he was the author of those poems, etc. I can't say too much here, can I? I don't want to disappoint you by giving out too much information. 

Other ones are awesome too, even though I'm not talking about their stories and stuff here. If you are skeptical about the idea that development in science and human rationality will bring a bright future, and that these 2 things are what we need to aim for, you would love the books. If you think modern humans should worship human bonds more, and if you have or still want to have hope in humanity, you should read them. If you think that struggles, suffering, and hardships are what make us stronger and human, go read the books to find out that you are not the only one to think so. 

I was especially impressed by "Notes from Underground" by Dostoevsky. It was published in 1864, but the message is terribly new. I was quite shocked by how well and accurately Dostoevsky foresaw the future (which is now present). You can also see this from reading Part 1. It is not a fun, cheerful book as you may have already guessed, but there's an extremely important message we all need to see in this book, and I highly recommend reading this book. 

The book I'm currently reading is called "Reveries of a Solitary Walker" by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, and it is also very interesting. I'm having lots of fun reading it. This is the first time for me to read a work by the famous French philosopher, Rousseau, and I'm hoping to get to know a little bit about him from this book. 

Alright, that's all for today's post! I need to go now to continues translating the thesis for my customer. Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you guys soon in my next post! 

So Long, Twitter and Instagram...

Hi, everyone! I hope you're all having a great summer! It's been very hot and humid here in Japan. I mean this is how summer is supposed to be in Japan, but every time the season comes in, I always think, "Jeez! This is the hottest summer I've ever had!" lol I've been trying not to used the AC so often to save money, and I always use a fan. But when it's too hot, that doesn't really help, because it's just a fan; it just blows out air, not a cool air, so it's still hot. During winter when it's cold, you can bundle yourself up with clothes. But when it's hot, you can't just do the opposite. Well, you can take off your coat, jacket, cardigan, etc., but you cannot take off everything. You cannot just walk out of your door without wearing anything. You still have to wear something. 

Oh, the problem is not just about the heat. Ok, so when you go outside during summer, you don't want to wear a lot. It's deadly hot outside, so just a T-shirt and short pants are more than enough. You walk to school, and yes, it's this temperature, so just a casual 15 to 20 minutes of walk makes you sweat like you've become a waterfall. You enter to the classroom, and you feel like you've come to the heaven, because it's an air-conditioned space, and you don't have to sweat anymore. But nothing is permanent, and the heaven does not last forever either. Now you start to feel cold. You feel cold because you are wearing the same clothes which you chose to wear for the hot temperature outside. And that outfit is not suited for sitting in an air-conditioned classroom for 90 minutes. After the class is over, you get out of the classroom, and the building; you feel even good to go into a much higher temperature. But then again, nothing lasts forever, and you eventually start to feel like you're dying because of the heat. This happens anywhere! When you get on a train, when you go into the library, when you are shopping at a mall, etc., you feel so comfortable at first, but then you start to have goose bumps on your arms. Oh, there's an exception: when I get home. It's really hot in my apartment, so when I get home, I don't feel comfortable at all. lol 

I wonder how it's like to live in the south hemisphere, where it's actually winter during the time when it's summer here. It's like, "What?! It's winter in your place when it hits the highest temperature of the year here, and you're sweating during the Christmas season?!" Actually, I've been to Australia once when I was little, but because I was little, I don't remember anything about the trip. How sad! I saw kangaroos, tried to feed them, but then I got scared when the kangaroos approached me to get food, and I started to cry. This is the story my parents tell. Oh, and because I was crying, my dad came to rescue me. But because he was in such a hurry, he accidentally stepped on one of the kangaroo's tail! Luckily, the kangaroo didn't care, and my dad wasn't hurt. 

Alright, so I am starting a whole new topic from here. I've deleted my Twitter and Instagram accounts. I don't have Snapchat, and what I have now is just this blog and Facebook. Why I deleted them? Because I knew that I didn't really need them, and I knew they weren't really beneficial for me. And they weren't making me happy. Well, in addition, I wanted to have lesser screen time. 

Modern people are so addicted to phones (or screens in general), that most of us pick up our phones when we don't really have any purpose to do so. It's not because your phone rang to let you know that you've got a message. It's not because you remembered that you had to send an e-mail to somebody. We do pick up our phones with a purpose in our minds, but there are so many times when we open our phones without any particular purpose. 

Why do we do this? I think we do so because our phones have got something, always. Think about Twitter and Instagram; they always show something new every time you open those apps. It doesn't how to be only about those apps. Any social media outlets, news feeds, online bulletin boards, etc., offer new stuff. Also, note that all those things are bottomless. You can just scroll down, and there is no point where you can no longer scroll down. That's why it's so easy to forget about time, and spend like an hour on the Internet. 

Even when we open our phones with a purpose on our minds, we tend to open social media apps after finishing our tasks, and before putting down our phones. It's almost an automatic behavior. 

And what do we get? Well, yes, we get information from those social media outlets. Those posts are information, those pictures are information, and those videos are information, too. But is it always good or fun to get new information? Are you even interested in all those information? More simply, are you having fun with what you're doing? 

I'm not hating the Internet and social media services altogether. What they can do is fascinating, and I know how they can be fun. But it is also true that we don't have to be connected all the time. When you scroll through your Twitter feeds or Instagram feeds, are you smiling? Or are you facing the screen with rather emotionless face? Some posts do actually make you have facial expressions, but I feel that most of the times, people are staring at their phones with a deadpan. 

People nowadays are distracted easily, and we are so impatient. We cannot wait even just for a minute. We loved to be stimulated. And smartphones offer anything so that we are always distracted and stimulated. 

Because of the Internet, we don't have to worry about time and space anymore. Thanks to the Internet, we can connect whenever we want, and from wherever you are. In this sense, we live in  a virtual. But isn't it also important to be aware of the present moment? Right here, and right now. Time is a pile of moments, and I want to live each moment with awareness. 

Alright, I'm off to dinner now. My sister called me while I was writing this post, so it took me longer than I had expected to finish up. I don't wanted to write and talk at the same time, since I cannot pay my full attention to both of the activities. I didn't want my sister to think that I wasn't really interested in having a conversation with her, and that I wasn't paying attention. So, we talked for about 90 minutes, and I got back to finish this up. My plan was to have dinner after I uploaded this post, and the dinner time is going to be later than I had originally planned, but that's just fine. I'm glad that she called me. 

Ok, so thank you for reading my post! I hope to you in my next post! Bye! 

Assessing the First Half of 2017! Have I Been Good?

Hi everyone! I just came here because I felt like writing some random things, even though I don't know what I wanted to write about. Well, but before we start, let me talk about how fast time flies! It's already July, which means that the first half of this year has already gone!

So many people make New Year's resolutions at the beginning of each year, but I feel like so many people don't even remember what their resolutions were by this time of the year. lol To be honest, I'm that kind of person. I remember thinking what I wanted to set as my goals of 2017 at the end of 2016, and I remember I did set my goals. But I don't remember what they were... So naturally, I have know clue whether I have been doing good or not, and I have no way to assess how far I've come, and set new smaller goals to achieve the resolutions. What about you? Do you remember your New Year's resolutions? Are you on a right track? Do you think you can achieve the goals? Or have you forgotten your resolutions like me? Or are you pretending like you've forgotten them? lol

Actually, I think I wrote my resolutions on Facebook. Haha, I know, I'm just an average person who writes "Happy New Year!" on Facebook, and continues to write what I'm looking forward to for the new year, and some resolutions. So, okay, I'll go check my Facebook, and see if I really wrote my resolutions for 2017 or not. ... Nope, I didn't write anything regarding goals for 2017. But I did remember right now that I wrote my resolutions on this very blog of mine! What?! How could I ever forget that?! Jeez, I am so bad! lol

Ok, so I just went back, and read the one of my old posts... I wrote an article titled, "New Year's Resolution!" on the 3rd of January this year. Yes, loud and clear; "New Year's Resolution!" lol And basically my goals for this year was (Note that I'm using the past tense, "was"!): to read more books that the year before, to get a job because I'm graduating next March, to study Eastern philosophy, and to help people be more confident of themselves.

Oh, alright... Okay. Now I can't pretend that I've forgotten all my resolutions, and therefore I don't have to work hard. lol Well, despite the fact that I have forgotten the goals that I set in January, I will look back on the past 6 months, and see if I'm doing good or not.

The first one: read more books that the previous year. Yay! I can say with a proud that I have been doing good on this one! Yes, I've read more than 10 books this year (about 15?), and will continue to keep reading more books, so it's easy to read more than I did last year. I didn't read many books last year, to be honest; I read about 10 books or so. I don't really know the exact number but definitely a little more than 10, but less than 15. By See? It's crystal clear that I will definitely break the record. By the way, the reason why I cannot give you the exact number is that I am not a good record keeper. I have a little note to keep the record of books I've read. But sometimes, I forget to renew it. So there should be some books I've read, but do not appear on my book journal.

I've been reading 3 books currently, which are "Magnetism" by F. Scott. Fitzgerald, "The Crime and Punishment" (vol. 3) by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, and "Naked Man: Digital's Invisible Dictatorship" by Marc Dugain and Christophe Labbé. The first one is a collection of some short love stories written by F. Scott Fitzgerald. The second one is... you know? It's famous. I've already read vol. 1&2, so I've moved on to read vol. 3 which is the last one. The third one is originally written in French. Oh no, I do not speak French. I am reading the Japanese translated version. I don't know if there's an English version of the book, so let me know if you know.

The next goal: get a job! Oops, nope, I have't accomplished this one yet. I'm still working on it.

The third one: study Eastern Philosophy. Oh, surprisingly, I can say, "Check!" on this one. I am taking a Zen class this semester, and learning about Buddhism and Zen. When I applied for this class in April, I had already forgotten about the resolution. But guess I'm lucky! lol And yes, I'm glad I took this class. I've learned things I didn't know, and it's the same as being able to look at a painting more deeply, or with different perspectives if you know some knowledge about the painter and the historical background of that period when the painter worked on the painting; now I have a little knowledge about Buddhism and Zen, and I can visit temples, and get more information out of it.

In the Zen class, we always practice meditation because meditation is the main emphasis on Zen school of Buddhism. You should not look for the enlightenment outside of your body; you should look within yourself. To go deeper and deeper in your mind, you meditate. Meditation is actually really hard. I mean if it was easy, everyone would be Buddhas. Making your mind empty is quite difficult. Try it for yourself. You'll soon know it's hard because your thoughts bubble up and float around on your mind constantly. Even thought the class will end this month, I will continue meditating, and perhaps I'll improve and learn something.

The last one: help people be more confident about themselves. Ouch. Well, even though I've made some positive comments about self-esteem on social media, but I have not made any systematic action towards this goal. As wrote in the "New Year's Resolution!" post, self-esteem is my personal issue as well. There are days when I think that I'm the ugliest, fattest, dumbest, etc., person on this whole planet. I see pictures of pretty girls on Instagram, and hate myself for not looking like them. But there are also days when I feel good about myself; I be me, and I enjoy it. I need to have more of this, and I want people to feel more of this as well. If we can stop comparing ourselves, we can be more confident. If we can learn that we don't have to be like other people, and we don't have to do or to be able to do the same things as other people, we can feel more comfortable with ourselves.

It's actually hard not to compare myself with people around me when we're all doing the job hunting. There are students who have finished job hunting already, which means that they've already got a job. Some students are still looking for a job even though they've got offers from different companies. Some students haven't got any offers, and still working on. We tend to have this equation on our minds that people who got a job early are winners of life, and people who haven't are losers. But you wouldn't know if you're the winner or the loser until the end of your life. Remember that.

It takes time to change how you see the world, and the change cannot be represented by numbers. So it's hard to evaluate how well I've done or how far I've reached. I do not know a perfect way to help people be more confident yet, but I need to try to do what I can do. I can write about it more on, for example, social media. I can treat people with positive attitudes, and compliment them as much as I can. You don't really talk so much about what you have on the deep place of your heart with random people or with your acquaintances, do you? I want to be a person whom people feel ok talking about those things to. I always wish that I had all the solutions for every problem people have. But I do not, and I just got to be kind and patient.

Ok, so that's all for today! Thank you for reading my post, even though this was a really personal one. I hope you all have the wonderful second half of 2017! See you till the next post!

On Love and Tolerance, and on Hating the Vice, Not the Person...

Hi, everyone! I submitted my midterm paper for a philosophy class that I'm taking this semester today, and now I can say that I'm done with all the midterm stuff! Yes! And that is why I can have a time to sit down, and face my laptop like this right now. I don't have to feel like I need to study, and I don't have to feel guilty for not studying, and not banging my head again books and notebooks. Oh, I do love reading books, though. lol

So today, I am going to write about things that have been sitting on my mind for a while. It is about love and tolerance. Why have I come to think about these 2 things lately? Well, it's because I watched a YouTube video by Jeffree Star (I hope I spelled the name correctly!), and that made me think. I love watching his videos, and his works of art; I love watching him talking, and being who he is. I am subscribed to his channel, and have enjoyed following him on the Internet. I think he is so beautiful, and I also love his personality from what I can see through his videos. I have never met him in person, so obviously, I can't say I know everything about him, but at least to me, he seems to be really open-minded, honest, and nice.

Recently, he uploaded a video which is titled "racism" on his channel. In that video, Jeffree talks about his past and the mistakes that he has made along the way. He says that he had always struggled to find his place in the world, and that he had always harbored rage and anger because he couldn't find peace in his mind back in time. People would say the nastiest things to him, because he didn't look like most of us. And he acknowledges that there were times when he fought back with nasty words as well. He then continues to admit that it is wrong to fight back nasty words with a bunch other nasty words, but back in time, he knew nothing better. He says he wish he could erase and fix all those mistakes, but as you know, nobody can do anything about what has already happened. Although he had made mistakes, and flashed offensive remarks in the past, those things does not represent who he is now. He is very sorry for firing those words to people, and attacked people back. And he added that it's sad for him to see those clips from the past, and see people still use them to mock him, and to try to degrade him. Nobody's perfect, and we're all just a small human being at the end of the day, and he says that he knows that, and he's a person who tries to be better just like us. And he isn't the same person as he was 10 years ago, and he sends out a message that he wants to set an example, and wants people to learn from his mistakes.

So, that was what was said on his video, but what you read isn't what Jeffree exactly said. You got some bits of information about the video through my words, and that's not exactly the same as watching the video yourself. So go watch the video. It's always better to check out the source when you can.

Alright, so from this paragraph, I'll write about what I thought after watching the video. Here we go. You know, it's easy to love what you love. Love is easy when you are fond of the person, of the object, or even the idea. It's so easy to love the things that look pretty and beautiful in your eyes. But you cannot say that you know the truly meaning of love when you can only love things that you love. The true meaning of love lies in loving and showing respect to even the things you don't like. There are so many things, people, ideas, etc., in this world. And you don't have to like every single one of them. Of course, you can have your opinions. A thing is not for everyone. I always try to be open-minded as much as possible, but I cannot promise you that I am going to love everything. I can't agree with every opinion from every single person. It's okay to have an opinion, and dislike things. But things get pretty messy when you try to exclude things you don't like.

Sometimes you may bump into a person, an object, or an an idea that goes beyond your comprehension. I think LGBT or boys wearing makeup can be classified in this category (for some people). Please keep in mind that I love seeing boys wearing makeup, and I do follow male makeup artists on social media to see their amazing works. And although I am a straight girl who dates a boy, I am a supporter of the LGBT community. Nobody should be ashamed of who they are, and nobody should be judged by their sexuality. LGBT people aren't abnormal, and they're not sinners either. They're human beings who celebrate love like anyone else. In recent years, more and more people have become aware of the need to break boundaries, and we've witnessed some amazing progress. But things were not always like this in the past. The backlash against the LGBT community must have been much more severe. I think that it was hard (or even impossible) for people to understand the concept of LGBT back then, when all people were supposed to be heterosexual. But you need to know before hand that sometimes things that are beyond your comprehension happen or exist, and that's okay. It's easy to get scared of things you don't really understand. People feel uneasy when they cannot find a category for an object; people do not like uncertainty.

But even if you don't like a person, an object, or an idea, that person, that object, and that idea have a reason to exist. You may hate a particular person for some particular reasons. But you don't need to treat the person accordingly at all. You can still treat the person with respect, and acknowledge him/her as one of the members of the society, and as the same human being. And that's the definition of tolerance, isn't it? No, it's different from faking your emotion. If you think tolerance is about faking your emotions, and having to say that you like them when you feel the opposite, you haven't learned what tolerance actually is. Tolerance is about being okay with things you aren't really familiar with, accepting them, and acknowledge their full right to be there. Tolerance is not an emotion; it's a choice, and it is a will. Love can be the same too. Love is not just about loving the ones you love. Love is not just about loving the lovable aspects of a person, it's also about loving the person as a whole, including the flaws. Love is not just about loving a person when you want to; it's about keep working hard to strengthen the love and the bond between you and that person even during the hardest time. Love is not an emotion either; it is a will.

Ok, now let's talk about this: hate not the person but the vice. The next time you feel like trying to degrade and disgrace Jeffree, or any other people because of what they did in the past, try to think about this: do you want to do so because you hate the action, or because you hate the person? It should be hard initially, to draw the line between these, especially when you're the very person who was attacked and offended by the person in question. But eventually, you'll need to move on. It may be tough to hear this, but you cannot get satisfied by continuously blaming the person. I know it's not easy, but you need to try to blame the action instead, especially when the person is apologizing to you, and learning the lesson. You can't justify the act of firing racist words, but I think Jeffree should be also allowed to explain his circumstances, and defend himself. It's not fair to take out a bit of information without examining the whole context, and just blame him. And to all those people (most of whom do not even know Jeffree personally, I guess...) who talk and write shit about Jeffree, you do so not because you want to inform people, and to bring justice, but because you simply hate him, and you love humiliating him. You just love finding fault with him.

I love memes. They're mostly funny and enjoyable. But some of them are rather nasty and mean. When I first saw the meme that says something like, "If Donald Trump is drowning, would you save him?" I was shocked. I saw so many people commenting that they would not save him. This is disgusting. Some may say that they were saying no as a joke, but that joke is not funny at all. Well, I do not agree with what he says, and I'm not a hands-down Trump supporter. But if he was actually drowning, I would make an action to save him. Even if we may not agree with each other on different topics, he's a human being just like me. I mean, it doesn't have to be President Trump; it can be anyone. Those then-kids who bullied me...Yeah, I would save them. Why? Because I don't hate them anymore. I just hate what they did to me. It's impossible to forget how hurt I was back then, and what I had gone through in the past. I will never forget the pain and the loneliness that they made me feel. But that doesn't make me go and revenge on them. I won't justify their action, but I know how bullying works. I confess that it took a while to come to the state of mind where I am now. But eventually, I learned not to hate them but to hate the action. You should try to do the same. Hate not the person bu the vice.

So there you have it. This is what I have been thinking about lately. Oh, yes, I know. Nobody asked me to write these things, and like I said, I've never met Jeffree personally. And making this kind of post can be taken as interfering and nosy. But I love writing and writing helps my thoughts to be clearer and more organized than they're just floating around inside my head. And I just didn't like keeping my mouth shut when I have some words to say. I just didn't like to remain silent when I can see those mean tweets or comments directed to him. You can decide for yourself whether you like this post or not. Even if you dislike what I wrote, there's nothing I can do. I can offer, but I can't force you. And that's how things go. If you happened to stay with me till this moment, thank you for reading my post. English is my second language, so it must have been hard sometimes to make sense of what I wrote. lol Lastly, I want to thank Jeffree for letting us explore the world of makeup with you through your videos. And thank you for being honest and trying to be as open as possible to us. You are strong, and you will keep shining by being you. I will always be excited to get to know more about you, and hearing your words.

Let's Exile Physical Punishment!

Hi, everyone! It's already the middle of June! The first half of 2017 is about to fly away! How's everyone been doing? As some of you might know, the rainy season has started in Japan. In Japan, June = the rainy season. But we haven't had much rain as far as I can remember! How weird is that?! lol Moreover, it is repeated again and again on the weather channels that the air is so dry! We're in the rainy season, but the air is dry? Like winter? How can this kind of thing even happen? I almost have no knowledge about the science of weather, so this is very mysterious to me. If anyone can explain what is going on, please do!

So, in this article, I am going to write about my past... My not-so-fun side of my past. And it is about my home that I grew up in. This can be a very personal post, and if you're not interested, I do understand that. But if you find this article worth reading somehow, then please keep reading! Thank you. 

My mom was (and perhaps still is?) very strict. Very strict. Yes, I understand why she had to be strict. Parents are not friends. And raising a child is not always easy, and can be pretty tough. You need your child to do things by themselves. The child needs to be able to live by his/herself in the future. The child needs to be a decent adult, and know what's right and wrong. The child needs to have self-discipline. The kid needs to study and learn things. Sometimes, the child has to go through hard times so that they can learn that working hard and being patient pay off. Yes, I understand all of these. 

But, kids, too, need a break from time to time. I wrote that parents aren't the friends of their kids. But sometimes, they need to be their friends. Well, I wished that my parents had been willing to be my friends sometimes, at least. They never were my friends. Even worse, I have never really trusted my parents. Yes, my parents did raise my up, and they are the ones who paid for all of the things I needed in my life, such as education. They fed me, secured a house that I can live in, worked hard to earn money so that I can go to school, etc. I know she has always wanted to do her best to raise me up, and wanted me to be the best that I can be. She was a perfectionist. Well, it's not totally a bad thing to be a perfectionist. But sometimes it can be a bad thing, especially when you're rubbing your version of perfection on your kids face, ignoring what they feel inside. 

When you're raising a child, you cannot just keep smiling all the time. You need to expose your scariest face sometimes, in order to let your child know that he/she is not supposed to do what they are doing. You need to scold your child sometimes, you know? Again, your child need to be a decent adult, and be independent in the future. And spoiling your child is not good for him/her. I mean, once in a while, you can spoil your child. Kids need that sometimes. Not just kids, we all need some treats after a hard work, right? Ok, so my point is, you shouldn't spoil your child too much because you don't want your child to be a spoiled child and a spoiled adult in the future. 

Scolding your child is necessary when your raising a child. But how you scold your child is very important. Long story short, this is where my mom failed. I was yelled at a lot by my mom. And there were many times when she beat me when I did something wrong (or when what I did didn't turned out as what she expected?). I was slapped, I was beaten, I was kicked, and the list goes long if I were to mention with what she beat me. I simply cannot write down all the reasons why she had to beat me because there are just so many. So... let me give you just one example. I remember it so clearly. My mom was really enthusiastic about education. How well her kids did in school really matter to her. Some parents do not even know what their kids' homework look like. But my mom wasn't satisfied by merely completing schoolwork and doing homework. So at home, I had to complete another curriculum at home. One of the things I had to do was the weekly kanji test. My mom would read out a sentence at a time, and what I had to do was to write the kanji in question. For me, confessing that I cannot write the correct kanji because I could not remember it was so scary. Why? Because she would get angry. And when she was in a bad temper, things got catastrophic. The memory starts with a scene where I am standing in a room in an apartment where I used to live when I was in elementary school, with my nose bleeding because my mom beat me. And I am crying so hard because it hurt a lot, not just physically, but also mentally. She got outrageous, and beat me that hard because I was doing good enough in the kanji test that day. Some blood dripped down from my nose to the tatami floor. My mom yelled again because I wasn't supposed to make a mess in the house. I was crying, and my nose was bleeding, and I covered my nose, hoping that it prevented the blood from dripping down to the floor, which didn't really help. I was nothing but the definition of miserable. I didn't know what to do or what I was supposed to do. And once again, my mom shouted, saying, "Go wash your face!" So I went to wash my face in the bathroom, put some tissues in my nose to stop the nosebleed, and went back to the room where my mom awaited. My notebook had got crumpled up because of my tears, and moreover, because my mom had beaten me with it. 

This is what I remember. And there are lots of episodes like this. Oh my gosh, I was beaten with so many things. We humans use tools, right? lol Anyways, seriously speaking, I never want any kids to go through such experiences like I had to go through. I am against physical punishment. No exception. It took a while until I realized and fully acknowledge that my mom was abusive. I had always avoid that the word "abusive," and chosen to say that my mom was strict. But being strict and being abusive are very different. Being strict doesn't mean you can beat your child in the name of education. My mom would always say, "If you can't understand it by hearing it, you have to be beaten;" "If you can't understand it by words, you're less than human; you're the same as farm animals;" "If I have to beat you to make you understand, then you're the same as a cattle or a pig!" And by saying so, she justified her violence towards me, until I started to think that I deserved to be beaten because I was a bad child.

Some of you may think and say, "Well, if your mom is abusive, why don't you tell somebody, and ask for help, then?" Like I said, I thought my mom had reasons to beat me, even though I did know at the same time that she was doing too much. To me, talking about it is almost the same thing as notifying people that I was a bad kid. And I didn't want to do that, of course, because obviously, that's embarrassing. Plus, I knew talking about the issue to other people wouldn't help. I knew my mom wouldn't change for other people's opinions. She has always believed that physical punishment is necessary. It's not like she loves and enjoys beating children, but she had to sometimes. She thinks physical punishment is unavoidable sometimes. And honestly, she has a tendency to get too emotional and overreact sometimes. I guess she was just not good at controlling her emotions, which still doesn't count as an excuse to beat her kids, though.

She has never apologized for hitting her kids. Not a single time. I have apologized to her so many times when she was hitting me. I just kept saying, and screaming, "I'm sorry." But that didn't stop her from beating me. She stopped beating me when she was done. It was like you can't control the weather. I had to wait until the storm goes away. And I know she never will apologize. She doesn't see any reason to apologize for.

Unfortunately, my mom is not the only one. There are still a constant number of people (mostly older generations) who thinks that physical punishment is sometimes necessary. In the old days in Japan, physical punishment were much more common. Even if you were slapped by your teacher at school during class, that was not really a surprise back then. The coach in a sports team would hit the members of the team in the name of coaching, and making the team stronger. Nowadays, younger generations do not like those "You can achieve anything if you have a tough spirit!" kind of beliefs, but the atmosphere of this belief was used to be stronger. Japanese education has changed, and nowadays, teachers do not hit their students. More and more people believe physical punishment is wrong and unethical. But what is sad is that there are still some teachers, sports team coaches, or educator in a broader sense, who are accused of using violence towards their students. From time to time, you see news about those sad events through media. But I think violence at home is less transparent from the outside than violence at school or workplace. And I believe that there are still many children who suffers from violence from their parents.

Violence at any place is bad, and need to be excluded. Violence does not teach any good lessons. Violence really gets in the way of building a trust-based relationship. My mom has been my mom for more than 24 years, but I still cannot trust her, and be open to her. I tend to hide my feelings in front of her. When a person was confronted with violence, fear dominates him/her, and he/she can no longer think. The person will learn he/she is not supposed to do certain things, not because it is a wrong thing to do, but because he/she will get punished. This is really important, and you'll see why by looking at this example: you shouldn't kill anybody because killing is bad, not because you'll be thrown into a jail if you kill somebody. Well, it doesn't have to be killing; it can be stealing, cheating, or any bad things. Thus, when fear dominates you, you stop learning things properly. Moreover, fear brings helplessness, and it suppress spontaneity. Spontaneity is what so special especially about children. Not only children, but also adults learn best when they are allowed to think freely. Interesting ideas come from spontaneity. When there is fear, we start to watcher over our actions and speeches. We start to behave based on fear. We refrain from speaking up, and try not to cause any "trouble" so that we don't have to be punished. This is what will happen to children surrounded by violence. They'll think they're bad children even if it's not true, and limit their actions in fear of punishment for a very long time.

As I said, it took a while until I acknowledge that my mom was abusive. I didn't talk about this issue to my friends or other adults, except for my boyfriend. He is the only person whom I have allowed to touch the deepest place in my heart. I told him my secret, and how I have been raised up in my family. His eyes were filled with tears, and he said, "I am very sorry for all those things you had to come through." And he also added that what my mom had done is wrong, and that I should never think myself as a bad kid. My mom wasn't being strict; she was being abusive.

I don't want anyone to experience that same thing as I did. I do not believe in physical punishment. And now that I have recognized that my mom was abusive, and that I was never a bad kid who deserved to be beaten, I have been able to be more vocal about my childhood. Never justify violence. Physical wounds may disappear, but mental wounds will never disappear; they'll stay as nasty scars forever. Let's put an end to physical punishment.