So, in this article, I am going to write about my past... My not-so-fun side of my past. And it is about my home that I grew up in. This can be a very personal post, and if you're not interested, I do understand that. But if you find this article worth reading somehow, then please keep reading! Thank you.
My mom was (and perhaps still is?) very strict. Very strict. Yes, I understand why she had to be strict. Parents are not friends. And raising a child is not always easy, and can be pretty tough. You need your child to do things by themselves. The child needs to be able to live by his/herself in the future. The child needs to be a decent adult, and know what's right and wrong. The child needs to have self-discipline. The kid needs to study and learn things. Sometimes, the child has to go through hard times so that they can learn that working hard and being patient pay off. Yes, I understand all of these.
But, kids, too, need a break from time to time. I wrote that parents aren't the friends of their kids. But sometimes, they need to be their friends. Well, I wished that my parents had been willing to be my friends sometimes, at least. They never were my friends. Even worse, I have never really trusted my parents. Yes, my parents did raise my up, and they are the ones who paid for all of the things I needed in my life, such as education. They fed me, secured a house that I can live in, worked hard to earn money so that I can go to school, etc. I know she has always wanted to do her best to raise me up, and wanted me to be the best that I can be. She was a perfectionist. Well, it's not totally a bad thing to be a perfectionist. But sometimes it can be a bad thing, especially when you're rubbing your version of perfection on your kids face, ignoring what they feel inside.
When you're raising a child, you cannot just keep smiling all the time. You need to expose your scariest face sometimes, in order to let your child know that he/she is not supposed to do what they are doing. You need to scold your child sometimes, you know? Again, your child need to be a decent adult, and be independent in the future. And spoiling your child is not good for him/her. I mean, once in a while, you can spoil your child. Kids need that sometimes. Not just kids, we all need some treats after a hard work, right? Ok, so my point is, you shouldn't spoil your child too much because you don't want your child to be a spoiled child and a spoiled adult in the future.
Scolding your child is necessary when your raising a child. But how you scold your child is very important. Long story short, this is where my mom failed. I was yelled at a lot by my mom. And there were many times when she beat me when I did something wrong (or when what I did didn't turned out as what she expected?). I was slapped, I was beaten, I was kicked, and the list goes long if I were to mention with what she beat me. I simply cannot write down all the reasons why she had to beat me because there are just so many. So... let me give you just one example. I remember it so clearly. My mom was really enthusiastic about education. How well her kids did in school really matter to her. Some parents do not even know what their kids' homework look like. But my mom wasn't satisfied by merely completing schoolwork and doing homework. So at home, I had to complete another curriculum at home. One of the things I had to do was the weekly kanji test. My mom would read out a sentence at a time, and what I had to do was to write the kanji in question. For me, confessing that I cannot write the correct kanji because I could not remember it was so scary. Why? Because she would get angry. And when she was in a bad temper, things got catastrophic. The memory starts with a scene where I am standing in a room in an apartment where I used to live when I was in elementary school, with my nose bleeding because my mom beat me. And I am crying so hard because it hurt a lot, not just physically, but also mentally. She got outrageous, and beat me that hard because I was doing good enough in the kanji test that day. Some blood dripped down from my nose to the tatami floor. My mom yelled again because I wasn't supposed to make a mess in the house. I was crying, and my nose was bleeding, and I covered my nose, hoping that it prevented the blood from dripping down to the floor, which didn't really help. I was nothing but the definition of miserable. I didn't know what to do or what I was supposed to do. And once again, my mom shouted, saying, "Go wash your face!" So I went to wash my face in the bathroom, put some tissues in my nose to stop the nosebleed, and went back to the room where my mom awaited. My notebook had got crumpled up because of my tears, and moreover, because my mom had beaten me with it.
This is what I remember. And there are lots of episodes like this. Oh my gosh, I was beaten with so many things. We humans use tools, right? lol Anyways, seriously speaking, I never want any kids to go through such experiences like I had to go through. I am against physical punishment. No exception. It took a while until I realized and fully acknowledge that my mom was abusive. I had always avoid that the word "abusive," and chosen to say that my mom was strict. But being strict and being abusive are very different. Being strict doesn't mean you can beat your child in the name of education. My mom would always say, "If you can't understand it by hearing it, you have to be beaten;" "If you can't understand it by words, you're less than human; you're the same as farm animals;" "If I have to beat you to make you understand, then you're the same as a cattle or a pig!" And by saying so, she justified her violence towards me, until I started to think that I deserved to be beaten because I was a bad child.
Some of you may think and say, "Well, if your mom is abusive, why don't you tell somebody, and ask for help, then?" Like I said, I thought my mom had reasons to beat me, even though I did know at the same time that she was doing too much. To me, talking about it is almost the same thing as notifying people that I was a bad kid. And I didn't want to do that, of course, because obviously, that's embarrassing. Plus, I knew talking about the issue to other people wouldn't help. I knew my mom wouldn't change for other people's opinions. She has always believed that physical punishment is necessary. It's not like she loves and enjoys beating children, but she had to sometimes. She thinks physical punishment is unavoidable sometimes. And honestly, she has a tendency to get too emotional and overreact sometimes. I guess she was just not good at controlling her emotions, which still doesn't count as an excuse to beat her kids, though.
She has never apologized for hitting her kids. Not a single time. I have apologized to her so many times when she was hitting me. I just kept saying, and screaming, "I'm sorry." But that didn't stop her from beating me. She stopped beating me when she was done. It was like you can't control the weather. I had to wait until the storm goes away. And I know she never will apologize. She doesn't see any reason to apologize for.
Unfortunately, my mom is not the only one. There are still a constant number of people (mostly older generations) who thinks that physical punishment is sometimes necessary. In the old days in Japan, physical punishment were much more common. Even if you were slapped by your teacher at school during class, that was not really a surprise back then. The coach in a sports team would hit the members of the team in the name of coaching, and making the team stronger. Nowadays, younger generations do not like those "You can achieve anything if you have a tough spirit!" kind of beliefs, but the atmosphere of this belief was used to be stronger. Japanese education has changed, and nowadays, teachers do not hit their students. More and more people believe physical punishment is wrong and unethical. But what is sad is that there are still some teachers, sports team coaches, or educator in a broader sense, who are accused of using violence towards their students. From time to time, you see news about those sad events through media. But I think violence at home is less transparent from the outside than violence at school or workplace. And I believe that there are still many children who suffers from violence from their parents.
Violence at any place is bad, and need to be excluded. Violence does not teach any good lessons. Violence really gets in the way of building a trust-based relationship. My mom has been my mom for more than 24 years, but I still cannot trust her, and be open to her. I tend to hide my feelings in front of her. When a person was confronted with violence, fear dominates him/her, and he/she can no longer think. The person will learn he/she is not supposed to do certain things, not because it is a wrong thing to do, but because he/she will get punished. This is really important, and you'll see why by looking at this example: you shouldn't kill anybody because killing is bad, not because you'll be thrown into a jail if you kill somebody. Well, it doesn't have to be killing; it can be stealing, cheating, or any bad things. Thus, when fear dominates you, you stop learning things properly. Moreover, fear brings helplessness, and it suppress spontaneity. Spontaneity is what so special especially about children. Not only children, but also adults learn best when they are allowed to think freely. Interesting ideas come from spontaneity. When there is fear, we start to watcher over our actions and speeches. We start to behave based on fear. We refrain from speaking up, and try not to cause any "trouble" so that we don't have to be punished. This is what will happen to children surrounded by violence. They'll think they're bad children even if it's not true, and limit their actions in fear of punishment for a very long time.
As I said, it took a while until I acknowledge that my mom was abusive. I didn't talk about this issue to my friends or other adults, except for my boyfriend. He is the only person whom I have allowed to touch the deepest place in my heart. I told him my secret, and how I have been raised up in my family. His eyes were filled with tears, and he said, "I am very sorry for all those things you had to come through." And he also added that what my mom had done is wrong, and that I should never think myself as a bad kid. My mom wasn't being strict; she was being abusive.
I don't want anyone to experience that same thing as I did. I do not believe in physical punishment. And now that I have recognized that my mom was abusive, and that I was never a bad kid who deserved to be beaten, I have been able to be more vocal about my childhood. Never justify violence. Physical wounds may disappear, but mental wounds will never disappear; they'll stay as nasty scars forever. Let's put an end to physical punishment.
Some of you may think and say, "Well, if your mom is abusive, why don't you tell somebody, and ask for help, then?" Like I said, I thought my mom had reasons to beat me, even though I did know at the same time that she was doing too much. To me, talking about it is almost the same thing as notifying people that I was a bad kid. And I didn't want to do that, of course, because obviously, that's embarrassing. Plus, I knew talking about the issue to other people wouldn't help. I knew my mom wouldn't change for other people's opinions. She has always believed that physical punishment is necessary. It's not like she loves and enjoys beating children, but she had to sometimes. She thinks physical punishment is unavoidable sometimes. And honestly, she has a tendency to get too emotional and overreact sometimes. I guess she was just not good at controlling her emotions, which still doesn't count as an excuse to beat her kids, though.
She has never apologized for hitting her kids. Not a single time. I have apologized to her so many times when she was hitting me. I just kept saying, and screaming, "I'm sorry." But that didn't stop her from beating me. She stopped beating me when she was done. It was like you can't control the weather. I had to wait until the storm goes away. And I know she never will apologize. She doesn't see any reason to apologize for.
Unfortunately, my mom is not the only one. There are still a constant number of people (mostly older generations) who thinks that physical punishment is sometimes necessary. In the old days in Japan, physical punishment were much more common. Even if you were slapped by your teacher at school during class, that was not really a surprise back then. The coach in a sports team would hit the members of the team in the name of coaching, and making the team stronger. Nowadays, younger generations do not like those "You can achieve anything if you have a tough spirit!" kind of beliefs, but the atmosphere of this belief was used to be stronger. Japanese education has changed, and nowadays, teachers do not hit their students. More and more people believe physical punishment is wrong and unethical. But what is sad is that there are still some teachers, sports team coaches, or educator in a broader sense, who are accused of using violence towards their students. From time to time, you see news about those sad events through media. But I think violence at home is less transparent from the outside than violence at school or workplace. And I believe that there are still many children who suffers from violence from their parents.
Violence at any place is bad, and need to be excluded. Violence does not teach any good lessons. Violence really gets in the way of building a trust-based relationship. My mom has been my mom for more than 24 years, but I still cannot trust her, and be open to her. I tend to hide my feelings in front of her. When a person was confronted with violence, fear dominates him/her, and he/she can no longer think. The person will learn he/she is not supposed to do certain things, not because it is a wrong thing to do, but because he/she will get punished. This is really important, and you'll see why by looking at this example: you shouldn't kill anybody because killing is bad, not because you'll be thrown into a jail if you kill somebody. Well, it doesn't have to be killing; it can be stealing, cheating, or any bad things. Thus, when fear dominates you, you stop learning things properly. Moreover, fear brings helplessness, and it suppress spontaneity. Spontaneity is what so special especially about children. Not only children, but also adults learn best when they are allowed to think freely. Interesting ideas come from spontaneity. When there is fear, we start to watcher over our actions and speeches. We start to behave based on fear. We refrain from speaking up, and try not to cause any "trouble" so that we don't have to be punished. This is what will happen to children surrounded by violence. They'll think they're bad children even if it's not true, and limit their actions in fear of punishment for a very long time.
As I said, it took a while until I acknowledge that my mom was abusive. I didn't talk about this issue to my friends or other adults, except for my boyfriend. He is the only person whom I have allowed to touch the deepest place in my heart. I told him my secret, and how I have been raised up in my family. His eyes were filled with tears, and he said, "I am very sorry for all those things you had to come through." And he also added that what my mom had done is wrong, and that I should never think myself as a bad kid. My mom wasn't being strict; she was being abusive.
I don't want anyone to experience that same thing as I did. I do not believe in physical punishment. And now that I have recognized that my mom was abusive, and that I was never a bad kid who deserved to be beaten, I have been able to be more vocal about my childhood. Never justify violence. Physical wounds may disappear, but mental wounds will never disappear; they'll stay as nasty scars forever. Let's put an end to physical punishment.
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